I was exhausted physically, mentally, and emotionally. Physically, I was frail and weak. Mentally, I was fighting a constant battle. Emotionally, I was drained.
Looking back on it, I now wonder at what point did I entangle food with emotion. The two are totally separate from each other. I know this now. When I was sad or stressed, angry or overwhelmed, my instinct was to restrict my food intake. When I was disappointed in myself, I would take it out on myself – exercising to the point of over exhaustion, self harm, and purging. A few months of these behaviors turned into years, totally adjusting my mindset and the way in which my brain is wired. For the past 5 years, my life has repeated this toxic cycle. I struggled and fought in silence and secrecy.
It wasn’t until this past December that I reached out for help. In what I thought was the darkest and scariest place of my life, I saw no light and no way out. I lived in complete and utter darkness for years, refusing to accept the fact that Jesus was holding my hand the whole way.
I was lying in bed. I could see my heart pounding through the bones in my chest. I was shaking uncontrollably, freezing, and terrified. I called my mom into my room and instantaneously burst into tears. In that moment I began to open the doors to years of pain and suffering. I laid there for hours and confessed and admitted to my detrimental behaviors.
“We will get through this” my mom uttered time and time again. We sat there afraid and unclear of what the next step would be. I knew I needed to nourish my body but I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t deal with the guilt that came with eating any longer. Eating hurt. It was physically painful and emotionally draining. I couldn’t do it.
The following morning, after multiple doctors appointments, I was sent to Children’s at Erlanger. It was there that I had a NG tube placed. The tube ran through my nose, down the back of my throat, and drained into my stomach. For the following weeks, I was on tube feeds. My nourishment came from BOOST, a meal supplement drink. Multiple times a day I hooked up to a syringe and had BOOST pumped into the tube. It was painful. I will never forget the feeling the supplement drain into my empty stomach.
The tube was embarrassing to say the absolute least. It was a physical sign that I had a problem. I got stared at by most everybody. I tried my very hardest not to leave the house. Trying to explain what was wrong with me was a heart wrenching experience. I often times heard “You don’t look anorexic” or “Just eat” as a response.
I hid behind what I thought was a perfect persona of someone who had it all together. That identity was stripped from me the second that tube was placed.
the broken beautiful 