renfrew

On January 2, 2019 I admitted to the Renfrew Center of Nashville. I was in the PHP (partial hospitalization program). 5 days a week I went from 8:00 – 4:30. I participated in multiple group therapy activities and sessions through out the day. I met the most incredible women who loved and supported me in ways I had never been loved or supported in before. They struggled and fought with me. It was here that I learned the importance of community.

I would eat breakfast, lunch, and a snack there everyday. We prepped our own food before the meals. Not only did I not enjoy eating food, preparing was equally as upsetting. I went in to the program having countless fear foods. (fear foods: foods that my eating disorder labeled as “bad” or “fattening” for me) Having to interact with these fear foods on a daily basis was exhausting and overwhelming.

I was on my own for dinner. I needed the accountability and support at meal times. Often times, I would skip dinner. While in Nashville, my behaviors increased. My ED voice was louder than ever. It knew it was being fought.

I started exercising more and taking laxatives. Anything just to get the satisfaction of losing weight, but it was never enough. I was never enough.

After a few weeks at Renfrew, it was recommended that I go to residential treatment in Coconut Creek, FL. I hadn’t gained much ground. I was continually losing weight and engaging in unhealthy behaviors. This news tore me apart. I had failed. I hadn’t tried hard enough. Again, I found myself being not enough.

I admitted to Renfrew @ Coconut Creek. It was not the place for me. There was very little accountability and meal support, the two things I needed the most. I stayed for a little over 24 hours and then was discharged to my parents with the understanding that I find another residential facility.

After discharging I went to Tallahassee to tour Canopy Cove Eating Disorder treatment center. I loved it. I knew I could heal there. I fully expected to admit there that day. My bags were packed, I had said my goodbyes to my friends for a while, and I had come to terms with the fact I had to leave home. However, because of insurance approval I could not admit that day. I went home to Chattanooga and waited for 3 weeks before receiving any further treatment.